You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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