They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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