Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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