Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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