GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
