I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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