Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
