Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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