We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
