you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
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Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
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Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?