he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
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Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
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Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police