My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
