i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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