Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
