K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
