just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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