If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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