tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
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one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
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I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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