Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
