tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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