you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
