god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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