whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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