so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
