He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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