I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking