did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
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What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
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Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off