I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?