i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
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We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
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My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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