i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
