Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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