Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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