Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
If I die, sorry about rent.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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