I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
