Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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