New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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