you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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