pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Randomize
