My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
