Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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