4 words: hood of his car
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
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She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
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he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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