sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
