Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
