I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
