So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
