I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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