I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
