ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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