On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
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