The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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