Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
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My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
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I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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