apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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