my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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