Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
