So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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