Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
