My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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