don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
