oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
