So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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