everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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