she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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